I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
a search helicopter?!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
