I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
