so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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