Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Boobs speak an international language.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
