You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize