i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
