I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize