You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
