I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
