im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
