I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
