I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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