I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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