He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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