found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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