and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
