My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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