I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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