We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
