everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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