i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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