does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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