happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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