I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
