The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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