my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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