I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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