Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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