Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
