he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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