I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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