I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
MIDGETS
????
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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