Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
