Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
