FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
