and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
