alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i think my cat just said my name.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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