i wish my penis had a tongue
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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