O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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