Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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