If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
