lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
