Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everyone says I win the strip club
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
