I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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