Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
