I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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