I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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