I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
