i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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