You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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