that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
