OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
