I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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