Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
