I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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