i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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