Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize